2013, we hardly knew ye...

 

I’m back. Miss me? Work, virus problems, asshole relatives and just general fatigue have made this my least productive “full” year blogging (I don’t count 2011 since I’d just started). On the plus side, I’ve also churned out more actual reviews, instead of lists and rants. So that’s something.

 But anyway, this was one crazy year:

 

 So much stuff happened that I'd love to rant about, but here are my select crazy moments from the world of geekdom:

 - A new cartoon debuted on the Hub called Shezow; about a kid named Guy who becomes a superhero. The twist is that he becomes a female superhero.

 I really don’t care about the show itself, but the controversy the show generated was something to see. There were craploads of protests from idiotic organizations like One Million Moms (Our old friends from the Alan Scott controversy last year), who accused the show of trying to push some sort of transgender agenda on kids. This in turn led to a bunch of Social Justice Warrior idiots on Tumblr and other websites crowing the show as a breakthrough in Trans-media. Both sides are so wrong it’s not funny.

 First, if you watch the show, Guy (get it?) doesn’t actually turn into a girl; he just ends up dressed like one. Second, pretty much all of the comedy on the show is milked from the idea of Guy being a boy dressed like a girl and all of Shezow’s gadgets being based on stereotypically feminine things. That’s exactly the type of humor that normally sets these people off on rants. Hell, I’ve seen them get pissed off over less offensive stuff than that. You just know that if this show didn’t have any conservative organizations protesting against it, those same people on Tumblr would be the ones doing the protesting; they would be accusing it of cis-gender privilege, sexism and pretty much every –ism under the sun (and probably a few under the moon as well).

 You know I’m right.

-Not only was the Man of Steel sequel announced as a Batman VS Superman film, but Ben Affleck was also cast as Batman.

 Cue the casting shit-storm of this century. The Michael Keaton controversy was nothing compared to this.

 Seriously. It was news everywhere. I mean, you almost literally couldn’t go anywhere without hearing about it. I even overheard some fucking construction workers talking about it on lunch break when I was at Subway. Normally I’d be happy to see the general public so concerned about the interpretation of an iconic character, and it is good to see that things like the Aurora incident and all the news reports about “how awful geeks are” hasn’t soured Joe Average on comics. But, c’mon folks, where did this newfound love for Christian Bale’s Batman come from? Don’t get me wrong, I flat-out loved Bale in the trilogy, but it seemed to me that everyone else couldn’t wait to make fun of him for his Batman voice. Now everyone’s calling him irreplaceable (Never mind that this is a reboot and not the same character seen in the Nolan films).

 As for Affleck, while I’m one of the first to point out his flaws as an actor, I think he can be really good when given the right role and the right amount of screen-time. Daredevil had lots of problems, but those were mostly script-wise. I thought he was decent. He can play both somber and laid back very well. Since it’s going to be a versus movie, and with Superman being the established hero, it is likely Batman will be portrayed as a mysterious, antagonistic figure, with Bruce Wayne as a sort of wild card who Supes won’t know whether he should trust. I think Affleck can handle that.

  Basically, what I’m trying to say is, Batman probably won’t get too much screen time in this film, so even if Affleck does louse everything up, it won’t matter in the big picture, and I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Considering that it was just confirmed that Wonder Woman will be involved in the film, as well as serious speculation that Batman will be portrayed as an older, wearier figure, it seems more and more likely that Affleck’s role will be a glorified cameo.

- Less controversially, it was announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger was in talks for appearing in the Toxic Avenger remake which is in the works (Although to be honest, when hasn’t a Toxic Avenger remake been announced by Lloyd as being in the works?). Most fans seem to think this means Arnold will play Toxie himself, and while that would definitely be amusing, well, have you seen the shape Schwarzenegger is in lately? I think it’s more likely that he’ll end up playing Mayor Belgoody or some equivalent character (Ah-nuld as a corrupt politican? God, that might actually be the best satire to come out of Troma ever, if done right), or, since this remake is rumored to be aiming for a PG-13, maybe he’ll play Dr. Killemoff from the cartoon. This is just speculation on my part; he could be cast as Melvin’s mother for all I know.

- Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are now planning on remaking The Abominable Doctor Phibes. Since it’s the big trend to humanize villains these days, maybe they’ll use that stupid ass “Phibes as a disguise-wearing crimefighter” concept. Maybe the Kirby’s will even sue over it.

 Joking aside, this is the worst remake idea I’ve seen in some time. Even if it turns out to be good, you just know that idiots will end up calling the film a Saw or 7even rip-off, unless of course they come up with a whole new MO for Phibes. Oh well, so long as they don’t try and remake Theater of Blood, I’m good.

-Disney now has the rights to Indiana Jones. There’s a Carl Barks joke in here somewhere…

-Not only is the horrible, unfunny Grumpy Cat meme getting a movie, the horrible unfunny “Doge” meme has become popular amongst Congress.

  I propose the guillotine as punishment, but others have suggested a simple lynching would suffice. Personally, I think these lynching people have no idea what they’re talking about.

 Oh well, maybe 2014 will be better. Happy New Years to everyone.

All I want for Christmas II: Electric Boogaloo

  I know I say nasty things about Amazon.com, write nasty articles about the site with screenshots, and complain constantly about their customer service on other sites, but I don’t really hate the website itself, just the reviewers on it, all of whom make a startlingly good argument for bringing back Eugenics.

 Thus, this being the season of new life and forgiveness (and because I’m sick and tired of being visited by those three ghosts) I’ve decided to be nice to Amazon this month and look at their vast selection of stuff for what to get my friends and what I’d expect them to get me. Looks like they have a nice array of new stuff!

 Marvel has recently been putting out ‘First’ collections for heroes of various decades, and they surprisingly have come out with one for the Golden Age heroes!

 Even better though, it will be a cheap trade paperback AND feature some of their more obscure heroes like Dynamic Man, Ferret( Though why they’d even bother with him is anybody’s guess) Destroyer and the Claire Voyant Black Widow! I sure hope Marvel will appreciate the free advertising I did for them by featuring that first BW story on here back in October! (And by appreciate, I mean “Don’t sue me please!!!!!!”).

 I applaud Marvel for doing this. It’s not exactly stuff that I or any of the more well-read GA fans haven’t read, but it will be a good introduction for more casual readers who don’t necessarily like to buy the expensive Masterworks or the long out of print ‘Golden Age of’ volumes, and that’s why I’m getting it for a friend.

 On a more selfish note, I sure hope that *I* get another Golden Age Marvel-related goodie: Softcover GA Sub-Mariner Masterworks! Marvel has recently begun releasing softcover editions of their GA Masterworks, with vastly improved art reproduction and coloring. The original Marvel Mystery and Sub-Mariner Masterworks were appalling, but the new version of MM that they released last year was excellent, as was their GA Captain America Masterwork. Hopefully this new GA Sub-Mariner volume will be as good. I still kinda wish that they’d release a chronological series of every Everett Sub-Mariner story like I wished for last year, but I’ll take what I can get.

 Speaking of last year, I also wished for a Captain Comet Archive from DC and a collection of Alan Davis’s Batman material. Good things come to those who wait.

 Technically, they already did release an Alan Davis collection under the “Legends of the Dark Knight” artists edition line earlier this year, but the pages were out of order and had various other flaws, like coloring splotches and images repeated over and over. Thankfully, DC is being kind enough to release an improved edition. I can’t wait! Totally on my “to get’ list.

 The Captain Comet Archive is the real surprise for me though. I always considered a CC Archive a pipe dream that would never happen, but with the character now being used as a villain in the current Superman titles and with Marvel coming out with a Guardians of the Galaxy movie, I guess they decided now was the time to focus attention on him. Who knows, maybe they’ll even give him a new series.

Special note: This is a very old fan mock-up.

  Moving away from stuff available on Amazon, there are some other bizarre pieces of merch coming out.

 Like the Watchmen toaster:

"And the toast will look up and shout "Butter us", and I'll look down and whisper: No".

 Mmmm. Mmmmm. Nothing better to start the day with than buttering and eating toast cooked with the broken dreams of a bearded British man and imprinted with the mask patterns of a raving lunatic designed to parody Steve Ditko characters.

 Seriously though, whose bright idea was it to make a Watchmen toaster? That would be like making a Nightmare on Elm Street toaster, totally stupid and---OHMYGOD:

"I'm part of your balanced breakfast now, Nancy"

 I’m all for using the classic logo, but in this case it actually would be more fitting to use the current logo, since it would mean there are two toasters out there based on properties that have involved Jackie Earle Haley.

 Anyway, stupid as those are, they’ll still make great conversation pieces and joke presents, so sign me up. My buddy Walt “Whale-Fetus” who runs the humor site Avatar Fans are Mentally Ill (Which I contribute screenshots to) would love to have either of ‘em.

 Hey wait a minute; both of those toasters haven’t had release dates set!

 Come to think of it, the Captain Comet Archive isn’t set to be released until late August of next year!

 And the Marvel Firsts collection isn’t going to be released until Februrary!

 The improved LOTDK Alan Davis book also isn’t going to be released until February!

 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How am I going to explain to my friends? How am I going to be able to get them substitute gifts when today is Christmas Eve? WHY? WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?

 Oh well, at least the Sub-Mariner is already out.

 And in the end, comics and stupid novelty merchandise isn’t what matters. What really matters are the essentials;

 Turboman action figures,

 Red Ryder BB guns,

 and Cha-Cha Heels.

 And of course, the roof over my head.

~

Merry Christmahanakwanzadan to everyone!

How It Got Burned I: The Making of Catwoman (2004)

 So December is upon is, and Turkey month is at an end. How sad, for I only made four posts, one of them being scans of a good comic.

 Do not feel remorseful though, my friends, for that still does not mean we cannot delve into all things shitty in comic book land! It is with great pride that I introduce a new series for this blog, called How It Got Burned: When Comics go up in Flames, named after a line spoken by Man-God and fellow fan of comics, Saint Nicolas Coppola of the Cage. With this series we shall uncover the great mysteries of how and why various comic book movies sizzled and fizzled. Today, we will be looking at a transcript of the sordid meeting from which the 2004 eidolon of filmic fecal matter known as Catwoman sprang:

 Sometime in 2002: The WB board meeting room:

~

~

 Goddamn it, it’s been three months of marriage and my wife already wants to divorce me! I’m just not feeling it any more. We need a new chick flick.

 Sir! You will not use language like “chick” here, you misogynist basta---

 Oh fuck off, Chief.

 Hee. The reason you’re not feeling it any more is because you’re too fat.

 Sir! The politically correct term is “softer-bodied”--

 Ah lay offa' him, one minute you’re cussing me out then defendin' me. I’m fat and I know it. I don’t delude myself.

 Anyway, it’s not that. It’s my jokes that need to improve. I use’ta be great at makin’ her laugh. That’s why she married me, not because she’s financially unstable because a cosmetics company bought out her dad’s company and she needed to marry a rich Hollywood executive.

 Heh. You don’t like to delude yourself?

 Fuck you.

 Hey, easy now. You have a point, when was the last time we had a chick’s flick that was a bread-winner? My girlfriend loves to go to those, and always gets mad that none of them were produced by me.

 Your motives are so mercenary and juvenile. We do need to make more women-oriented films, or people will think we’re misogynistic….

 Eh, I could live with it.

…or they could think we’re gay.

 *GASP*

 As the chief of Hollywood’s political correctness police who believes in equality for everyone, I must say that there is nothing wrong with being gay. You two are acting very immature and---DAMN IT! I DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK I’M GAY!!!!!

 (Not that there’s anything wrong with that).

 It’s settled then. In order to keep people from thinking that we’re gay or misogynistic, we must make a movie featuring a scantily clad actress who spends the whole movie contorted in suggestive poses,

with dozens of ass shots…

  *Knock* *Knock*

  Goddammit, it’s Mr. Common Sense again.

  I hate that guy, he's always pointing out the flaws in my arguments.

 Excuse me gentlemen, I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation, but you started this whole discussion saying you wanted to make a film that would appeal to a female audience and also be empowering.

 Do you really think women are going to want to go a film filled with the kind of things you just mentioned? It’s highly--

 Aww shaddap. Hurry, someone find me an unmade script from our inventory pile!

Hours later:

 The abandoned Catwoman spin-off project from the early 90s that was supposed to star either Michelle Pfeiffer or Ashley Judd? I dunno…

  I am outraged by this. This script is sexist. Catwoman is supposed to wear pants that have rips in them that clearly expose her ass to the audience.

 Yeah, I figgered that that might not fly with you. It does sound kinda sexist.

 Huh? Oh, that’s not what I was saying was sexist. I’m fine with that, leave it in. This movie is sexist because it references the Batman movies, thus implying that a film about a woman can’t exist independently of a film about a man.

 That is very faulty logic.

 Quiet you! As I was saying, suggesting that a woman can’t live independently about a man would be sexist (which I totally am not). So let’s get rid of the character’s backstory, setting, etc.

 Also, it needs to be more ethnically diverse, because not being ethnically diverse would be racist (which I totally am not). We must transcend racial boundaries.

  Mmmm. Let’s get Halle Berry. She can transcend my racial boundaries any day if you know what I mean…

 Hmmm, casting a black woman as a man-hungry character (usually portrayed as a villain) who wears revealing, slutty clothing, commits robberies, is supernaturally adept at basketball,

 , and is constantly compared to an animal rather than a human by eating cat food and playing with fuzzy balls?

 I say go with it. I’m the head of the PC police, and since I don’t personally see anything racist about it, it’s not racist, because being the head of the PC police, I could never be racist.

 Right?

 Oh, and best of all, if people complain about the film featuring a black actress, we can accuse them of racism! We can’t lose!

 Let’s also change the name too. “Selina Kyle” is too cartoony. We need a name people wouldn’t expect a comic book character to have like…Patience Phillips. There aren’t any comic book characters with alliterative names, right?

 Actually---

 Quiet you! I say we go with the Patience Phillips name. We can’t lose!

 We’ll also pay pathetically obvious sock-puppets to post positive reviews of the film on opening day on IMDb,

 We'll even have one guy review the same film twice, which is actually illegal on IMDb!

 We’ll also come up with silly, half-assed explanations for how the film fits into the DC Universe that aren’t suggested anywhere in the movie,

 and if a problem should arise, we’ll blame it on Marvel...somehow.

  Let’s hire a French director too, so that way, we can use our paid shills to make nonsensical accusations that the people who bash the film are anti-French Bush-supporting rednecks!

 Oh, and let’s make the villains a cosmetics firm. That’d make my wife very happy.

  Call up the boss.

~

 Hmmmm? A film based on a supporting character from a film franchise whose last entry was in 1997 and a total critical and financial failure? And that has nothing to do with the supporting character in question at all, and features an attempt at being politically correct that is actually horrifically racist when you think about it? And that features a bunch of stupid crap (like an evil cold cream company) that will totally alienate both established and potential fans? And that defends itself as a feminist film despite featuring scenes of the titular character, an Oscar Winner at that, wearing revealing leather, eating cat food and licking herself? This totally doesn’t sound like the project of a bunch of aging, sexually frustrated morons pulling a dud project out of development hell and trying to push an obvious TnA flick while also trying in vain to look politically correct.

 Gentlemen, I love it. Consider it greenlit.

 Months later…

  So how did the test audience react?

 Huh? Oh, I assume it went over well, judging from their facial expressions:

 Trust me. There’s no way this film will bomb.

July 23, 2004:

 You’re all fired LOL.