Amazon Boobs IV: In Space!

 

 I have lived more lifetimes than any creature in any universe can imagine, I have seen the vast gulfs of space, seen countless galaxies begin and end, I’ve seen suns that were freezing and lives that were through, ended thousands of stories that will never be known, lost in the cold vastness of infinity.

Yet all of this means naught to me, it is all matter to either be ignored or fed upon, for all that matters to me is sustenance, for I am he who hungers: Galactus!

 Well my herald, have you found any signs of intelligent life in this galaxy?

 I have scoured this galaxy my liege, and I have found, on a planet called Earth, one whom I believe is the recorder of his planet’s history. Possibly he is the only one of his race, possibly there are more, possibly he could even inform me if there are other planets that harbor intelligent life in this galaxy. But I must inquire further.

 Make haste my herald, for Galactus hungers…

 My senses, sharpened by years of flight through space and contact with psychic energies, have allowed me to connect with all kinds of energies on this planet….and I have just intercepted a force known as…the internet. I listen now to the thoughts of he whom I take to be this planet’s wisest being…he who blogs:

 Right now he prepares a post called “Amazon Boobs IV: In Space”. I listen!

~

 Okay folks, because the views on my stat counter demanded it, here it is! My fourth, and hopefully last, look at the cesspool of stupidity which is the review sections of Amazon.com.

  Three times before you have felt the terror, known the madness, lived the horror. But this, is the one, you’ve been screaming for.

 Brace yourselves my gentle readers; this isn’t just going to be me making fun of a few fairly normal folks who are uninformed about comics history, these reviews come from the worst of the worst, the kind of people who, if there was any justice in this world, would have ended up in the Darwin Awards books years ago or guest-starring on an episode of Cops with their shirts off.

  Our first fine specimen of humanity is this anonymous fellow whose biggest problem with Superman’s 90’s cartoon is that Superman isn’t as powerful in them as he used to be portrayed. Most people like seeing a more relatable Superman, but apples and oranges.

 No, the real problem lies in the reason this guy doesn’t want to see Superman depicted as weak: He thinks it will cause his son to grow up thinking Superman is weaker than Wonder Woman.

  I’m dead serious:

 It’s not the only time he’s made this complaint either, so it’s probably not just a joke:

 What a sexist asshole, I feel sorry for his son.

 Oh, and oddly enough, I don’t see any outraged ‘geek feminists’ screaming their heads off about his reviews, writing 3,000 word essays about how much they hate him that they force their followers to reblog on Tumblr. Why is that? Guess they must be having one hell of a discussion about their favorite slash pairings on Scans_Daily.

 Older Superman material isn’t without its share of nay-sayers either. Apparently the ’78 movie has plot holes that are capable of killing people:

 I’ve encountered terrible plot holes in movies, but not murderous ones! Hell, if that was true, M. Night Shyamalan would be one of the great mass-murderers of history.

 Next we have someone who attacks Batman: A Death in the Family because it depicted a war going on in Lebanon, which the reviewer chalks up to the writers never having gone there:

 Yeah, because it’s not like there was conflict going on there in real life when the comic was written. May as well complain about Germany being depicted as under a hostile dictatorship in the 1930’s.

  Next up, Batman comes under attack not for being a tool of the establishment attacking those poor Lebansese, but for…taking the Lord’s name in vain:

Well, I gotta admit it’s a new one when it comes to criticizing All-Star Batman & Robin.

  But it’s not like DC properties are the only ones who get stupid reviews, Marvel movies get hate too. But before we move onto those, let’s take one last look at DC’s most famous property: The Avengers!!

 Wait---The Avengers is a DC property? Apparently so, according to this guy:

 Well, I can’t say I disagree with his argument; most of DC’s movies did fail because of The Avengers….because Avengers outgrossed them. But who am I to argue with the wisdom of a Power Rangers fan?

 Non-Avengers Marvel properties get hate too, like poor Spider-Man:

 I can’t help but agree with this fellow though, The Amazing Spider-Man was a pretty crappy sequel to the Raimi films, why, it almost felt like it wasn’t supposed to be a sequel at all! Almost like it was supposed to be *GASP* part of its own new continuity!

 Moving away from the modern world of Hollywood and all its reboots and remakes, it’s time to take a trip all the way back to the 50’s:

 It was a simpler time, full of white-picket fences, Disneyland, TV dinners, rampant bigotry; you know, the good old days.

 But there was a dark shadow hovering over America, the shadow of comic books!!!

  Thankfully, there was one man who courageously fought against their pernicious influence. This lone, brave man wrote a book called Seduction of the Innocent, exposing the evil he saw. One man: The name’s Wertham. Fredric Wertham, M.D.

 Okay, seriously, while ‘ol Fred has been unfairly been portrayed as some sort of right-wing nutjob by comics fans over the decades, he’s also had a lot of people who vehemently defended him. Some are on Amazon:

Wertham did do many admirable things; he was one of the first involved in the civil rights movement, opened up a free clinic for children in Harlem, testified in the Brown Vs. The Board of Education hearing and was friends with Martin Luther King. Great stuff, and yes, it is what he should be remembered for. Still, when you take time off from serious causes to devote your time to bullshit, bullshit tends to be what you get remembered for.

 However, it’s gotten to the point in recent years where it’s become “hip” to defend Wertham, and his defenders take it to a ridiculous extreme, suggesting that, because Wertham helped fight racist laws, then comic book fans who hate Wertham must all be racists.

  So in other words, Wertham’s defenders try and fight ignorance by spreading more ignorance.

 However, if everyone who hates Wertham and likes comics is such an awful racist and everyone who loves Wertham and hates comics is such a shining example of tolerance and social justice, then why do Wertham supporters leave comments like these? Here is a response to a positive review of Wertham’s book Seduction of the Innocent. It’s also the only place you’ll ever see the Lone Ranger and Tarzan described as realistic role models:

 I had no idea the guy who writes Billy the Heretic wrote reviews for Amazon.

 Joking aside, from now on I’m going to pull out my screencap of this anti-Semitic fuckwad’s gibbering every time some pro-Wertham troll starts acting all high and mighty. I’ve never seen anything this bigoted coming from Wertham’s detractors who are supposedly such horrible bigots.

  And now for the coup de grace, even though it’s been covered by Least Helpful.com, I just couldn’t resist this gem:

 Oh, man. Who wants to bet these people who go around calling everything “fake” (or “fake and gay”) on the internet are all just overcompensating for some really stupid scam they all fell for when they first got online?

  Well that’s it for tonight folks. I gotta log off. My head is killing me, and I’ve had this creepy feeling as if I’ve been being watched the whole time I’ve typed this. Dealing with Amazon reviewer stupidity will do that to you though.

~

Well my herald, have you found any signs of intelligent life besides that one being whom you observed? Galactus needs more than one inhabitant if he is to feed!

No my liege, after observing that man’s thoughts, I have concluded that other than him there is no intelligent life on Planet Earth.

 Damn! Did they call this the Milky Way Galaxy for nothing? Onward my herald, for Galactus hungers!

 So long as we get away from this planet, that’s fine with me! (DC’s The Avengers? Seriously?)