Thursday, July 12, 2012

Amazon Boobs Part III: The Revenge

There’s only so much boobery a man can take before he snaps.
 I’ve had troubles with them before, but now the boobs of are outside howling for my blood when it was leaked that my third series about them was coming up. I’ve taken every precaution necessary to protect myself.
 Every precaution:
 So what have I to expose about them this time? The answers are not pretty.
 The phenomenal success of The Avengers has really brought the morons out of the woodwork lately:
 For someone who hated Dark of the Moon, he sure knows the plot pretty well. And really? There haven’t been any movies ever about heroes that haven’t come from the 50’s and 60s?





 Yeah, no one’s heard of those guys.
And as for 50’s heroes being overly abundant on the screen; all I have to ask is, umm, who?
Oh yeah, the star of the critically acclaimed and financially successful 2011 film.

  Could it be that maybe, just maybe, this person has no clue what they’re talking about? Oh yeah, that’s right, otherwise they wouldn’t have made this list. Once again folks; the purpose of this series isn’t to bash people I disagree with, but to bash people who express themselves very stupidly. I’m not even the only one doing it.
 Also, damn that George Bush! He’s still controlling the media even though he isn’t even president:
 Shameless exploitation, eh? Sort of like what you’re doing, which is a classic example of an Emotional Appeal. Cry more crocodile tears for me, Alan Jackson.
 Yeah buddy, you sure don’t seem to have an agenda to push, linking to six different books.
 Also when’s the Criterion Edition of Frosty the Snowman coming out? Please, I’d love to know, I quite enjoyed their release of Good Burger.
The film which changed a nation

Captain America: The First Avenger also didn’t escape the boobery, although interestingly enough, it didn’t draw many wannabe political commentators, just wannabe humans:
People wouldn’t have taken Cap seriously in the 40s, let alone today? Huh, since we never see how any people react to him in costume “today” in the movie, I can only assume he’s talking about people in the real world. Well, he may be right, Captain America wasn’t taken very seriously back then, he only sold like, more than a million copies of his first issue (more than Time Magazine), caused his creators to be threatened by Nazi sympathizers to the point that they had to call on the mayor of New York for help (and got it, because he was a big fan) and revolutionized the art of comic books to such an extent that publishers were soon forcing their artists to imitate the series, as well as caused an extremely bitter feud over royalties among his creators and the publisher.
 Yeah, not a big deal at all. 
 But I digress; some people have made very valid points against the movie, like how the writers made detrimental storytelling decisions, like including character development and a hero’s journey, instead of focusing on deeper, more adult aspects like action and machismo:

 Someone needs to buy “Salty Carl” a beer.
That said, I’m sure there are some intelligent negative reviews out there of CA:TFA. Like this fellow’s:
Wow, he must really have something to say! Let’s see this man’s first review, we could be witnessing the birth of the next Maltin! Go ahead, little fella, regale me!
I’m waiting…..
….So where is that review you promised?
 Okay enough sarcasm, really, that was it, that was his whole review:
How enlightening

 And what about that up-and-coming, wet behind the ears amateur they hired to direct the movie? Joe Johnson? What a fucking poser. He should have learned from the masters, like the guy who made The Rocketeer…Joe Johnson:
 Part of me really wishes that that one was satire.
Moving on, well, I suppose I can’t disagree with this one:
 I haven’t seen any bad guys with red faces in real life, have you? Wait a minute, I just got a phone call:
 “Hey, that hurt my feelings!”
Oh, it’s you, Satan! Head of the society for bad guys with red faces. How stupid of me to forget! Ho Ho. You know, sometimes I really lose my head and disgust myself. I feel like such a racist. Must be that Evan Williams in me talking. I should switch back to Cuervo and malts.
 “Hey, it’s cool pal, I just wanted to remind you in case you offended anyone. We can get pretty sensitive down here, y’know, and I know you’d hate to lose 100 of those 500 more years I promised you in return for sacrificing those babies. Keep care.”
 Thanks Satan, been a pleasure talking to you. I’ll keep that in mind.
Oh that Satan, such a bastion of sensitivity.
Moving on, we also find that boobs haven’t just attacked the movie, but the comics as well. Check this one out:
 I know that the Masterworks have been updating the coloring, but I had no idea they were also updating the stories to reflect stuff like the Tea Party. I also had no idea Stan was still writing for Marvel and criticizing the Tea Party.
 Or could it be that this guy is just a moron who automatically assumed that Stan Lee was still writing for Marvel and wasn’t intelligent enough to track down the actual comic to write a review of, so he just picked a random one to spew his crap?
 *Hmmmm* Occam, lend me your razor…
 Politics has also affected Thor (2011). Apparently, Communists are involved, or “commics”, or something. Whatever it is, it isn’t a typo since he uses it repeatedly:
 Moving on from recent blockbusters….

Yeah, what’s the deal with a film about a comic book character having things in common with a comic book?
Seriously, if this guy hates comics, how is Spidey a “classic character” to him? Maybe through the oh-so intellectual Grantray-Lawrence cartoon?
 Naturally, this stupidity drew comments:
Salty Carl will have to wait for his beer, Garry here deserves one too.
Can someone translate this next one for me, please?
Also, apparently Jack Torrance from The Shining lived and got a job as an Amazon reviewer:
I’m serious, it goes on and on:

Now we come to some Outraged Moral GuardiansTM crying over the ’89 Burton Batman movie:

 Speaking of Batman, here are two reviews that both prove that alternate universes exist:
I pray to god that was a joke.
 So, artwork that’s only 25 years old is dated on the same level as a film from 1941? Hope he never reads the 1939 stories. Also, how the hell is the first episode of the 1992 cartoon based off of this? Let’s see…

 Hmm, he’s right. One has Batman, Gotham city and Jim Gordon, and the other has Batman, Gotham city and Jim Gordon too!
 I’d love to delve deeper into this cesspool, but my brain can't handle any more of this, besides, I want to be mentally prepared for the epic Straw Dogs-style confrontation that will follow.

 Wish me luck.

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