Saturday, December 3, 2011

The Return of the Amazon Boobs!

Run! Take cover! Head for the hills! Every man for himself! Women and children first! Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife, cause they reviewin’ err’body up here!
 Yes my friends, the Boobs of Amazon have returned. We must retaliate by venturing forth and unleashing a counterattack at the enemy’s home. But to do this we must take a voyage into the stygian depths of, where a shrill death rattle generates an unearthly din that is heard throughout the countryside, which makes skulls long buried beneath the earth cry out and causes the Deep Ones to quiver in their basalt altars beneath the sea.

 Also, I'll point out once again that these reviews aren't being mocked because I disagreed with them or because they criticized something I liked, but because they express their points in the stupidest ways possible. 
 First, Alan Moore takes a beating from a Jesus freak:
 Not a kid? Well, with those impeccable arguments and grammar I didn’t think I would have needed to be reminded.
 We further continue our journey into this grim land, where we see that rarest of creatures; the fabled beast who prefers the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen movie to the book. We leave you with this picture as evidence.
 It is real, we assure you.
"Pffft, looks photoshopped to me".

Also, apparently because the characters are racist, then Moore himself is racist:
The satire of Victorian attitudes was totally lost on this [expletive deleted] who clearly [expletive deleted] his fragile little [expletive deleted] when [expletive deleted]. Truly it is amazing that so many [expletive deleted] can be so [expletive deleted].
 But come my friends, now we sally forth into the most dangerous realm of this unholy land; the film reviews sections. Omnem dimittite spem, o vos intrantes.
 We shall start at the reviews for Batman Begins, truly a vile place wherein corruption runs rampant, even amongst the youth of the land:
 I love how this spoiled little fool not only has to plug the same movie twice (is writing multiple reviews of the same product twice by the same author even allowed on Amazon? Oh wait, it is apparently) but also announces his problems with his sister to the entire world.
Also, we see the only Amazon review written by Harvey Dent:
 Oh, and apparently, for all the bitching about remakes and reboots, it was too much for this one simpleton to grasp that the Nolan films are in their own continuity:
 We then come to the reviews for the Green Lantern movie. Oddly enough, for all of the flack the film took from critics, most people on Amazon seemed to have liked it and most of the negative reviews are only about the DVD quality. I didn’t care too much for the GL movie (although I found it entertaining), so I can’t bash people who disliked it. However, there is one negative review that we can take to the bank. Troll or the next spree-killer? You decide:
Next we come to the reviews for X-Men: First Class:
 What “1950’s wolf man” would this guy be referring to?
 Oh, and won’t somebody pleeeassseeeeeee think of the children?
 Naturally, this reviewer's faux-moralistic bullshit got torn apart in the comments section. Realizing he couldn't back himself up, he resorted to an even lower-level; bringing up the sexual exploitation of children. Classy. Here’s his "argument":
 I love how he condemns people as perverts but the only person to have apparently given this any thought is him.
The moral guardians also got their panties in knots over Watchmen & Kick Ass, but there aren’t really any distinctively crazy negative reviews for Watchmen, and most of the Kick Ass reviews just parrot the Ebert review, this one though is a shining gem:
 Get it? Ha ha! It’s funny because only the morally bankrupt would like this film! Ha ha!
 Yet nothing can prepare you for the wretched hive of vum and scillainy which is the review section for The Dark Knight.
Next time that you hear someone say that Nolan’s films are popcorn movies that aren't complex, and that all of the haters had no problem “getting” the film because there was nothing to “get”, show them this review, which several people found helpful:
Make sure you aren’t drinking anything that you don’t want all over your keyboard when you read the next review:
“all of the Christian Bale Batman series”?????????
 Yeah, because you know, there have been like, sooooo many it’s hard to keep track.
  What makes it funnier is that the review was written when TDK was still a fairly recent film that wasn’t a year old yet, thus meaning he apparently considered the Nolan Batman films a series worthy of complaint about how many entries had been made after just one fucking sequel. This could be some kind of weird joke about how he got sick of Nolan's Batman films after just one movie, but considering how blunt he is, subtlety like that seems to be beyond his grasp. Seriously, was he taught that 1 was the only number that existed, and then went insane when he learned there were greater numbers? I hope he never tries to look up the amount of Connery 007 films or Christopher Lee Dracula films, his head will explode, or, comprehending the sheer number of things that exist in this universe, and finally understanding why everyone made fun of him when he was satisfied with getting a $1.00 paycheck, he will go mad from the revelation, his eyes will turn a dark crimson, and the night will run red with blood.
 At least, that’s how I picture it happening. Sue me.
After that epic fail, here’s a much more prosaic rant from a moral guardian:
Now here’s a guy whose ramblings I can’t even make sense of past the first few sentences. Also, I had no idea 1968 counted as part of “the 70s”:
 But now for the coup de grace, the ne plus ultra of dumb Amazon reviews of TDK. Don’t try and make sense of it, just kick back and enjoy the crazy:

Also, despite the attempts to sound like some kind of sociological professor with all the brick-a-brack about color theory and whatnot, the author confirms her true age in the comments:
Daughter I am disappoint.

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