Saturday, July 27, 2013

How it Got Burned: The Making of Iron Man 3

Sometime in 2012: Marvel/Disney Studios Backlot:
All right gang, we’re making Iron Man 3 now, but there’s one problem. We don’t have a villain!
 I say we use Madame Masque. I’ve wanted to see her for a long time, and I know just the person to play her: Eva Longoria.
 That actually doesn’t sound like bad casting based on what I just pulled up on an image search.
Hee Hee. Yes.
 I had no idea you were such a comics fan.
 Huh? Comics fan? I only knew about her from some article in Wizard back in 2005 which said Eva Longoria should play Madame Masque.
 Why do you care so much then?
 Because *I* want to see if she *ahem* measures up for the part…in my office….
 That’s all you ever think about isn’t it? Sexist pig.
 Huh Huh. Yeah…
 Anyway, Madame Masque is a sexist outdated character who is based on stereotypes of women being vain and concerned with their looks, and as the chief of Hollywood’s PC police, I feel such an offensive character should never be used, because I respect women. I wouldn’t want my daughter to see a movie featuring such a character. I want her to have the best childhood and--
 Daddy please---all I want is five bucks so I can buy a new blankie at the dollar store, it’s cold down there in the cellar and my blankie has holes in it because of the rats…please…

Anyway, as I was saying. We need a new villain.
 How about this Fin Fang Foom thing? He was referenced briefly in the last Iron Man movie, and all that dragon-fantasy crap is popular with kids these days. How about it?
NO!!! Fin Fang Foom wears purple trunks! Purple has become a gay pride symbol, and Fin Fang Foom is depicted as a monster! Don’t you see how problematic that is? Don’t you feel any sympathy for important minority groups?
 Well, we could just change the color of his trunks, or get rid of them. Why does a dragon even need trunks?
 Huh? I don’t care about the trunks, I just care about not offending minorities…like Dragon-Otherkin. They are a valuable part of our society, just think of how they would be offended if they were portrayed as monsters---and gay!

 Check your non-Dragon Otherkin privilege, you cis-specied asshole. claim to care about minorities but consider not offending otherkin more important than not offending gay people?
 Goddammit Mr. Common Sense! Why do you always have to intervene?
 Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Calm yourselves. Anyway, since Masque and Foom are outta the picture, it looks like there’s only one villain left to use….The Mandarin.
 Well, Mandarin has been being built up to be the series’ eventual main villain since the first film with the Ten Rings terrorist group, and he is Iron Man’s greatest enemy.
 The Mandarin is a very outdated character……..he was created in the 60’s, and everything created in the 60’s sucks!!!!
 Like Iron Man himself?
No way, that’s Black Sabbath’s best song.
 We’re talking about the character Iron Man, and that song was created in the 60’s too!
……Dude, you’re making me think….I hate that…that's why I hire lawyers to think for me...
 The reasons we cannot use Mandarin is because Mandarin would offend Asians, and none of us wants to do that, right folks?
 Nope. Especially the schoolgirls *Drooooool*
 Yeah, I don’t want to offend Asians either.
 See? The Mandarin is unusable because he might offend Asian audiences, both domestic and overseas. And we would not want that…..otherwise we might not make any money off of them!

 Comics are one thing. Movies are another, since they’re meant to appeal to everyone, kids too, and we don’t want to look like we’re indoctrinating youth with Yellow Peril stereotypes. Indoctrination always begins early.
 So why do you include Mandarin in the Iron Man: Armored Adventures cartoon and in children’s picture books? Remember, indoctrination begins early…
Uhhhhh….who wants to order some Subway?
 Oooh! I have an idea, we could just reveal that Mandarin isn’t even real! He’s just a decoy created by the real villain (who is white) as part of a false flag scheme! The 9/11 truthers would all love it, look at how much money they throw at the people who make those Tom Clancy-type movies!
 Hmmmm, revealing that a brilliant minority character is just an illusion masterminded by a white dude? Hmmm, I don’t see any unfortunate implications in that! I approve! Totally original and brilliant idea!
 Actually, the same twist happened more or less in Agents of Atlas where it was revealed that Yellow Claw was just testing Jimmy Woo all these years…

 And revealing Mandarin to be a fictional character also happened in the Ultimate Iron Man comics.
And heck, the same thing happened to an extent in Batman Begins with Ken Wantanabe being a decoy for Neeson.

 Who cares, send the proposal to Shane Black so he can take all the blame for it if it fails.

*Some months later*

Well, whaddya know? It actually paid off!
 Yeah, from now on, let’s have a villain twist like that in EVERY superhero movie!
 Nooo! Look, Mandarin is a problematic character, but the film was still successful because Iron Man isn’t as known for his villains as other heroes, and plenty were still pissed off by the twist, especially since an Oscar winner’s talents were wasted! If you start applying the same twist to universally beloved villains who don’t have any stigma, think of how many fans you’ll alienate and---
SECURITY! Get Mr. Common Sense out of here!!! Common Sense has no business in Hollywood!
Okay, so how do we ‘Mandarin Twist’ The Green Goblin in any upcoming Spider-Man movies?
How about this? It turns out that Norman Osborn is just a powerless company figurehead and that the 'goblin' itself is just a logo. The real villain is Mendel Stromm, who made Osborn out to be the villain so as to prey on America's fears of rich corporate businessmen. Stromm then rips his shirt off, revealing himself to be covered in bat tattoos and says to Spider-Man: "You want the Goblin? Well, I AM THE GOBLIN!".

He then begins vomiting up pumpkin pie that melts through Spidey's webs like acid.
 And Magneto and the Brotherhood?
 Magneto is just a drunken human actor whose reputation was ruined because he starred in a comedy about the Holocaust, and all the other members of the Brotherhood are just out-of-work actors in makeup from a Star Trek rip-off pilot that was to be broadcast on the SyFy channel but was never picked up. Senator Kelly paid them to act in videos in order to make mutants look like terrorists. The only one of them who is an actual criminal is Mystique, who is a Chameleon-style secret agent who disguises herself as different people, and wears very heavy blue eye shadow when not disguised.

Kelly has a lot of magnets on his desk though, and throws one at Wolverine, and it gets stuck to one of his claws, mildly inconveniencing him for one scene. One of Kelly's campaign managers is also shown playing a video game called "Asteroid M".
 Brilliant! Now do Thanos…
 Let’s see….OOH! I know! Thanos turns out to just be a boss character from the cut-scenes of a video game developed by Justin Hammer's company that was never released due to glitches, and Hammer then sent the footage to S.H.I.E.L.D so that Fury would send the Avengers on a wild goose chase in space.
 With the Avengers gone, Hammer decides he can now rule the world and forms the Masters of Evil....which features Glen Talbot (who is comatose, burned and paralyzed), one of the locals from Thor who hates Thor because he accidentally destroyed his hardware store while fighting the Destroyer, and a senile and incontinent Arnim Zola who is in his hundreds, who communicates via Skype (As a reference to him appearing as nothing but a TV on a robot body in the comics).

  Hammer did all of this just to impress some Goth chick who calls herself 'Death' who turned him down at the prom 20 years ago. She tells him to bug off and Hammer then goes and pouts, then goes on a wild bender with his Masters of Evil at Hooters before the Avengers get back from space and kick his ass in the last 5 minutes.

Oh, and Hammer wears a glove for some reason that goes unexplained, as a reference to the Infinity Gauntlet.
 And I will defend this stupid plot twist by explaining that it's all a deep, thoughtful commentary on how online gamers treat women, or some crap.

Ha Ha! We cannot lose!
*Several years later*

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